How to Avoid Cremation Risks

The American way of death and funerals is in an era of rapid change. In 1980, the cremation rate in the United States was just under 10%. Today, it is hovering around 60% and is projected to exceed 85% by 2045. 

There are several driving factors for this unprecedented shift. The majority of people still cite cost-effectiveness as their primary reason for choosing cremation, with the second most commonly cited reason being “ease, simplicity, and convenience.” Add to this the steady movement away from tightly bound communities of faith and the lifting of cremation prohibition in most religions, and the next generation promises to be almost universally aligned in cremation over burial. 

The upside of this trend is that it offers grieving families greater flexibility, ongoing closeness to the remains of a loved one, and expanded options for creative and personalized services. 

On the other hand, there are risks that the emphasis on cost-effectiveness, ease, and convenience will have unintended consequences. Two detrimental consequences that are widely observed include: 

1. convenience and/or cost eclipsing the significance of a life well-remembered
2. large swaths of the population in unconscious states of prolonged, unproductive grief

Despite these unfortunately common scenarios, there are a host of ways that cremations can offer equivalent healing and support, without incurring major expense, when planned intentionally. It’s all in a meaningful remembrance that supports attendees as they enter into productive grief.

The Misuse of Direct Cremations

Rituals, ceremonies, and rites of passage around death and bereavement have been a universal activity throughout human history. From the hanging of “funeral wreaths” in the deep American South to sitting Shiva in the Jewish tradition to 7 days of gifts, words and songs to bolster the spirit of the deceased before cremation in the Buddhist tradition, people of all walks of life have found consensus on the need to formally mark the passage of a life. Until now. 

In this age of live streaming, hybrid working, home delivery, and social media nearly every activity that once required movement into the public sphere has been brought into the privacy of the home. One can eat, work, study, shop, make friends, and access a plethora of entertainment without leaving the couch. But when it comes to major life events and rites of passage, it is important to consider the opportunity cost of convenience. 

Increasingly families are electing to have what is known in the funeral industry as a DCNS: Direct Cremation No Service. It is considerably cheaper than traditional funeral arrangements and involves the minimum care that a funeral home can provide while remaining in compliance with codes and standards. It offers no opportunity for a final viewing, no formal notice of death to the wider community, and no intentional gathering for the communal expression of grief (research indicates that the communal expression of grief is one of the strongest indicators that someone will grieve productively and renegotiate meaningful life after loss).

Initially this offering was created for indigent persons, those who died without a known relation. It was priced not for profitability, but to cover costs when the county reimbursed the crematory for services rendered. Today many families are making the DCNS their first choice, covering the basic mechanics of the final passage with professional services and intending to cover the gap of grieving, remembering, and celebrating on their own.

When private grieving rituals actually occur, they can be a viable and supportive alternative to the convention of church or funeral home services. But often private rituals, although well-intended, fail to take shape or become a casual gathering of local family members with no distinction from other family gatherings. 

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The Importance of a Life Well-remembered

While the occasion of a final remembrance doesn’t have to be costly, elaborate or ornate, there are three key features that make a final remembrance effective. When planning a cremation, keep these three elements in mind to ensure your funeral is focused on healing rather than convenience.

Memorability

Our lives are composed of stories. It’s the way we make sense of ourselves and our experiences. Every story must have its beginning, its middle and its end. Beginnings and endings tend to stand out in our memories, because this is where the big transitions happen. In other words, something significant changes permanently. 

One of the ways that we can track and recall the stories of our lives is by “totems” – an emblematic object that represents a significant life event. In American culture, births are marked by storks and cigars; marriages by wedding bands worn on the hand for life; and death by the traditional markings of the funeral: caskets, urns, headstones, etc. The signifiers chosen for these events do not have to be culturally universal, but they do need to hold significance for those who are having the life experience. 

Selecting a totem, or object of significance to mark a life-changing event such as a loss can help loved ones to close that chapter,  therefore, finding the closure necessary for productive grief.

Authenticity

One of the most compelling reasons for the public funeral ceremony, is the collective acknowledgement of the value and significance of the human life lived. There is reciprocity between the way we acknowledge the one who has passed and the way we perceive our own life to be valued by others. 

Within communities where funeral ceremonies are broadly observed, there is a sense of high valuation of the individual life, which can profoundly influence the life choices of those who are left behind. But it isn’t only the acknowledgement of a life lived that counts, it is also the specific and genuine quality of the remembrance. 

The elements of ceremony or tokens of remembrance can be simple and low-cost, but they should capture something that is essentially true about the person being remembered.

Reality

Research shows that it is our subconscious selves that drive our choices and our actions in life. This is the nonlinear part of the brain; in other words, the part of our brain that cannot keep time. 

You’ve heard of soldiers who, returning from war with PTSD, are triggered into traumatic re-experiencing. This happens because a part of the brain is still stuck in the traumatic event. Similarly when we undergo the loss of a core person in our lives, we can get trapped in that loss, continually re-experiencing the shock of it and unable to move forward. 

By taking concrete measures to signal to our brain that something final has occurred, we can engage in productive grieving. This is grief that acknowledges the pain of what has happened and how things are changed by the loss. 

In reckoning with the reality of our situation, we move the experience of loss into a memory timeline, so that we can remember the loss as a significant past event while going forward in life with intact memories of the one we loved and lost.

Conclusion

While any funeral plan should consider the elements of memorability, authenticity, and reality, cremations are especially vulnerable to lacking these necessary considerations. If you feel cremation is right for you, be sure to incorporate these considerations into your memorial plan to avoid leaving loved ones stuck in unproductive grief due to insufficient remembrance.

For more information, you can also read our strategies for planning a supportive cremation in this article.