Where Do We Go When We Die?

In burial arrangements, the final resting place is a core part of the planning process. But in the case of cremation, the question of the final resting place is often an afterthought or remains undecided long after the cremation has been completed. 

In this article, we explore the significance of the final resting place as it relates to cremation, including the purposes it serves and the advantages and disadvantages of the various options.

The Role of the Final Resting Place

The role of the final resting place can be thought about in 3 different phases: immediate post-loss, throughout the lifetime of survivors, and beyond the lifetime of survivors. 

Immediate Post Loss

In the first phase, loved ones are grappling with the loss. As they process their initial grief, many families elect to keep the ashes close, such as in one of their homes. The opportunity to keep a loved one’s remains close by is a notable advantage of a cremation arrangement. 

Throughout Survivors’ Lifetimes

Then, some months or years later, loved ones will finish executing the plan for final arrangements by scattering, burying, or dividing up the ashes. For families who move out of state or experience household changes such as divorce or re-marrying, the option to divide up ashes and carry them into a new chapter can help support survivors as they navigate major life changes without the guidance of their lost loved one.

Beyond Survivors’ Lifetimes

The final phase, beyond the lifetime of survivors, is a strange thing to think about, but something worth considering. Without an arranged destination for ashes for perpetuity, their fate becomes uncertain with the passing of first generation survivors. For example, if an urn will not be passed from generation to generation for safe-keeping, there should be a plan for the scattering or inurnment of those ashes upon the death of that survivor.

Final Resting Place Options

Cremation provides a whole range of options for a final resting place, and each comes with its own advantages and disadvantages. Bear in mind that you can utilize a number of these options, either by partitioning out the ashes or by moving the ashes from one resting place to another in a later phase of life.

Earth Burial:

The advantage of an earth burial is that the ashes are secured and part of the record of human lives in perpetuity. Cemeteries invest in record-keeping so that a permanent, legal, sustained record continues throughout time. 

Cemeteries also provide a place that offers sanctuary and purpose for acute grief, as well as a sense of ancestral connection for further generations of a family. In that vein, monuments and headstones can provide an artistic outlet for loved ones to honor your memory.

One downside of earth burial is being tethered to a single geographical location from which surviving loved ones may want or need to leave over time. In the event they do move away, they may feel far from their late family member and may suffer guilt or distress about not visiting or maintaining their grave. 

Even if surviving loved ones live nearby, for a variety of reasons, they may not frequent the family grave. This too, can be a source of stress or guilt and may give rise to tension or acrimony amongst living family members. 

Cemeteries are also a considerable expense, including payments for the following: 

• plot purchase,
• open/close fee, and
• monument/headstone creation and installation; 

And in some cases: 

• final date inscription, 
• extended use fees (if cremains are added to an existing grave), 
• or ongoing maintenance.

Mausoleum Niche/Inurnment: 

The considerations for the mausoleum are much like those of earth burial. Though, unlike earth burial, you are very unlikely to be able to add other family members to the final resting place unless you’ve purchased a double niche. 

A common perception persists that mausoleum spaces are less expensive than earth burial plots, yet, in many cases, this is not true. If you are interested in a mausoleum niche or inurnment, ensure that this option fits in your budget.

Scattering (Public Lands or Water):

The option of scattering ashes provides incredible flexibility for personalization, and changing regulations around scattering add to that freedom. Though, at one time, it was not legally permissible to add human cremains to public lands and waterways, this is no longer the case. 

So long as ashes are responsibly spread on public land/water or private property (with the permission of the owner), you can take them anywhere in the world that you please.  Many families use this opportunity as a kind of pilgrimage for coming to peace with their loss by finding closure in symbolism. 

The clear disadvantage is that once scattered, families are no longer able to track the location of your loved one’s cremains. Therefore, when their location is no longer shared amongst family by word of mouth, the history and location is likely to be lost to descendants.

Scattering Garden: 

Increasingly, churches and cemeteries are building beautifully landscaped spaces for communal ash scattering. In most cases, these gardens are very affordable while offering the added advantages of record-keeping and a sanctuary to visit. In some cases, scattering gardens even offer small monuments or inscriptions in stone to mark the graves.

Burial in an Existing Casket Grave: 

Most cemeteries allow for the addition of one of more inurned remains to be added to a burial plot of a previously buried family member’s casket. This is especially advantageous when a family member passed unexpectedly and only a single grave plot was purchased. If any other family members are to join them there, they will need to be cremated and added to the grave.

Return to Family: 

The primary advantage of returning ashes to the family is the considerable emotional comfort of having a loved one’s cremains nearby Though, for some people, this option feels morbid. For others still, this may give rise to family tension and controversy. 

Of course, there are also risks that the inurned remains are accidentally left behind when the family moves from a house or that they become lost when the first generation of survivors pass away.

Divided Amongst Family: 

Dividing cremains among family presents the advantage that each cherished loved one can take a “piece” with them to be placed in a locket near their heart or on a shelf in loving view. But not all family members will share the same views on the idea of “breaking up” the remains. 

Some people have strong views on this matter, feeling that it holds implications for the soul’s rest or the afterlife. Siblings may have different views about how and amongst whom the ashes should be divided. If you are considering this final resting place option, it is especially important that you leave clear, detailed instructions.

Conclusion

Cremation arrangements provide a whole host of final resting place options to support loved ones after a loss. By knowing your final resting place options, you can develop a cremation plan that is personal to you, the life you have lived, and the loved ones you’ll leave behind.

For more guidance crafting a supportive cremation, read our article on the 5 considerations for planning a meaningful cremation.